The Old Fashioned (Department of Defense)

A cocktail for men nostalgic for the good old days when wars were fought on horseback, women were secretaries, and classified attack plans were shared in group chats.

Once upon a time, America had a War Department. Then we renamed it the Department of Defense, because nothing says “we come in peace” like 800 military bases and a global budget that could fund universal healthcare until the next ice age. This drink salutes the proud tradition of men who “kill people and break things”—mostly for oil, sometimes for sport, always for freedom.

Recently, the Secretary of Defense gathered the nation’s top commanders to announce a new era for the military, one that looks suspiciously like the old one. No more “diversity,” no more “dudes in dresses,” no more “beardos.” Just the firm belief that America’s biggest threat is carbs. The Secretary of Defense warned the generals they’d gone soft. Though, frankly, you don’t need a six-pack to order a drone strike. And if dresses truly weaken the ranks, someone forgot to tell the women flying F-15s. But then again, some people can’t tell the difference between a dress code and a defense strategy.

Like the men it honors, this drink is simple, strong, and just a little bit bitter.

Ingredients:

• 2 oz bourbon (preferably one marketed to “real men”)

• 1 sugar cube (or 1 tsp simple syrup, for a simple man who likes his morals watered down)

• 3 dashes Angostura bitters (for the bitterness of every general who clapped like their clearance depended on it, aged in oak)

• Splash of water (preferably drawn from the tears of subordinates)

• Orange peel (zest of toxic nostalgia)

• 1 Luxardo cherry (the only fruit allowed in the barracks)

Directions:

1. In an old fashioned glass, drop the sugar cube and drown it with bitters and water—just enough to make it uncomfortable in a Senate hearing.

2. Muddle until the sugar disappears, like accountability in the chain of command.

3. Add bourbon and stir clockwise, preferably, just to keep things moving backward.

4. Drop in ice and watch it chill faster than a room of generals told they could “laugh if they want to.”

5. Garnish with orange peel and a cherry because appearances still count for more than character.

Serving Suggestion:

Serve in a heavy glass and clink it against another man’s, but don’t make eye contact. Wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about brotherhood. Pairs well with hypocrisy, nostalgia, and whatever’s on Fox at happy hour.

“No homo.” — The Pentagon, 2025.